The Philadelphia 76ers: An Autopsy

Ben Simmons (right) and Joel Embiid (left) of the Philadelphia 76ers

The Philadelphia 76ers were pronounced dead on the night of Sunday, June 20th, 2021 – mere hours after engaging in a game with the Atlanta Hawks. The death was witnessed by thousands present in the location, along with countless more viewing the death on live broadcast.

The cause of death has been confirmed: the 76ers suffered from asphyxiation. Their windpipes were clogged by a barrage of offensive weapons courtesy of the Atlanta Hawks. Whenever they believed their health had stabilized, a sudden bout of choking would occur, and the 76ers would suffer a blow. Such instances occurred on Monday, June 14th and Wednesday, June 16th.

With this record of choking, the 76ers were advised not to continue to play basketball. They persisted nonetheless, continuing to engage with the Hawks despite the warning signs. It was this carelessness that led them to their eventual passing tonight.

The 76ers will be honored in a vigil across Twitter. Many heartbroken witnesses will mourn the loss of their non-existent dynasty. Thousands will shed tears remembering the tragic battles that occurred in both Philadelphia and Atlanta.

Rest in peace, Philadelphia. Rest in peace.